Reactive attachment disorder (RAD), also known as developmental trauma disorder (used interchangeably at RAD Advocates), takes a significant toll on parents. While the disorder affects the entire family, the primary caregiver often bears the brunt of it. This is usually the parent who spends the most time with the child, trying to form an emotional connection. For children with RAD — who equate attachment with a threat to their survival due to early trauma — this parent becomes a target.
“Here at RAD Advocates, we not only advocate for children with reactive attachment disorder but also for the parents and siblings in the home,” says RAD Advocates Chief Operating Officer Heather Houze. “If parents struggle, the entire family will struggle. Parental self-care is non-negotiable in this chaotic world of parenting children with developmental trauma.”
While the disorder affects the entire family, the primary caregiver often bears the brunt of it. This is usually the parent who spends the most time with the child, trying to form an emotional connection.
At RAD Advocates, most members in the "nurturing enemy" role (read more here) are moms. For the sake of this post, we’ll refer to the primary caregiver as “mom,” but this role can belong to anyone.
Here’s a look at what parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder often does to us moms — the difficult and the potentially positive.
Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder Makes Us Tired
It goes without saying that being the constant target of our child’s anger and manipulation, as moms of children with reactive attachment disorder often are, we are usually tired.
Like our kids with RAD, we often become hypervigilant. We’re always worrying about the safety of our other children or pets, or what our child with the disorder will be up to next. This adds to our exhaustion.
We enter survival mode, where we just try to make it through the day. Anything more is too much. Fun? Vacations? Going out with hubby or friends? It’s all more than we can manage. We may not realize just how tired we are until it’s all over — when reactive attachment disorder is either on the path toward healing or out of the house. Suddenly we come back to life. Our energy returns, and we want to do things again — though the post-traumatic stress takes time and work to heal from.
It Makes us Feel Angry and Isolated
We often become angry: angry at being misunderstood, angry at being treated this way, angry this is what our life has become. The isolation goes hand-in-hand with being misunderstood. Not only do we not have the energy for “hanging out” like we used to, but our family, coworkers, friends, our child’s teachers — and often even therapists — don’t see what we’re seeing. They don’t understand why we’re tired and angry, or they don’t believe what we’re dealing with. We don’t get the sympathy or support we need, and that just makes us more angry and isolated.
It Impacts our Health
Parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder takes a toll not just emotionally, but physically. During the time I was parenting my child with reactive attachment disorder, my headaches and insomnia got worse, and I developed anxiety and depression. I gained weight, and I stopped caring what I looked like. I’d go to the store in my pajamas. I didn’t care what others thought.
According to Mayo Clinic, in addition to the symptoms I already listed, chronic stress can lead to memory and concentration impairment, high blood pressure, digestive problems, and even heart attacks or strokes.
The toll on caregivers is something RAD Advocates witnesses firsthand. “I’ve been astonished by the difference between initially meeting parents in crisis and seeing them later after they’ve begun to heal,” says Amy VanTine, founder and CEO of RAD Advocates. “Sometimes, I don’t even recognize them. Whether it’s weight loss, better posture, or an overall lighter presence, it’s striking how much stress from parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder impacts the body.”
Recognizing this, RAD Advocates began offering quarterly breathwork sessions with Dr. Allison Quadhamer, a certified breathwork facilitator and fellow parent of a child with reactive attachment disorder.
It goes without saying that being the constant target of our child’s anger and manipulation, as moms of children with reactive attachment disorder often are, we are usually tired.
“Breath work was one of the best forms of self-care my husband and I found during the chaos of parenting our child with RAD,” says Dr. Quadhamer. “Our first session was so profound that my husband insisted I share it with others if I ever got the chance. It helped us gain clarity, make tough decisions, maintain our sanity, and even preserve our marriage. Today, even with our child placed out of our home, we continue regular breath work to heal from years of chaos.”
Research highlights the physical and emotional benefits of breath work, including:
Improved sleep
Reduced post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and trauma symptoms
Lower stress levels
Decreased depression and anxiety
Reduced blood pressure
A more positive outlook on life
Dr. Quadhamer facilitated breath work sessions at previous NavRADs, a RAD Advocates biennial event for parents of children with RAD to find connection, resources and a path forward. While individual results vary and nothing was guaranteed, participants reported profound effects, such as sleeping through the night for the first time in years, finding peace with difficult decisions and experiencing reduced chronic pain. Most participants described an emotional release and a deep sense of contentment afterward.
“The first time I did breath work, it felt like a volcano of rage erupting from the top of my head,” Dr. Quadhamer says. “Afterward, I felt like I had shed 10 pounds of emotional weight. That was just the beginning.”
Reactive Attachment Disorder Can Help us Grow
Despite all the hardships, one gift of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder is personal insight and growth.
After we adopted, our son quickly learned how to push every button we had. When he felt bad, he wanted us to feel bad too. His behaviors often drew out reactions from me that didn’t reflect the mom I wanted to be.
I sought out a personal therapist, and while no amount of therapy can make anyone a Zen master in the face of reactive attachment disorder chaos, it helped me see patterns from my own life that made certain things especially triggering. Over time, I became less reactive and better equipped to manage my emotions.
I also discovered a strength I didn’t know I had. Most importantly, I learned that no parent is perfect — and even “perfect” parenting isn’t enough to heal our children. Their healing isn’t something we can accomplish alone.
That’s why I became a volunteer for RAD Advocates. I don’t want any parent to feel like they're in this alone. It truly takes a village — and we’re here to be that village for you.