Surviving the Holidays When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

The holidays are coming. You may have felt excitement as November approached, but now you likely dread it if you're in the thick of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) — also referred to as developmental trauma disorder (DTD).

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

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“Many of us parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder dread the holidays,” says Amy VanTine, chief executive officer of RAD Advocates. "That dread often feels isolating, but it’s important to know that the struggle is not your fault." The chaos is a result of the disorder, not your parenting. So try to let go of any guilt about your family’s challenges.

Let’s be honest — holidays aren’t always much fun with children with reactive attachment disorder. Many parents find themselves holding their breath, anticipating tantrums (or full-blown rages). You might question if all the effort is worth it, knowing that your child’s disruptive behaviors may unravel even the simplest family gathering.

Why the Holidays Trigger Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder

For children with reactive attachment disorder, the intimacy, bonding and connection that holidays represent feel terrifying due to their early trauma. As Forrest Lien, owner and founder of Lifespan Trauma Consulting, explains, “To feel in control and disconnected — ‘safe’ in their minds — children with reactive attachment disorder often sabotage holidays.”

Holidays are particularly difficult for two primary reasons. “The holidays are family-oriented — gathering together, intimacy and connection,” VanTine explains. “There are also lots of expectations during the holidays.”

“Many of us parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder dread the holidays,” says Amy VanTine, chief executive officer of RAD Advocates. "That dread often feels isolating, but it’s important to know that the struggle is not your fault."

Heather Houze, chief operating officer of RAD Advocates, adds, “Family members come to visit during the holidays, and we’re demonstrating love and closeness, so it can be very triggering.”

A second challenge is that holidays disrupt routines. “Schedules change,” VanTine says. “When kids are used to a tight-knit schedule, it’s hard to transition out of everyday life.”

Tips to Navigate Holidays with a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

1. Set realistic expectations.

If you lower your expectations and build the day around what your family needs, the holiday will be less stressful. That may mean letting go of certain traditions or adjusting plans to fit your child’s needs.

“It’s okay if your holiday doesn’t look like your neighbor’s,” says VanTine. “In order to keep going, you need to prioritize your immediate family, not what others are doing or expecting.”

Houze shares the story of a family she worked with: “The teenager with reactive attachment disorder didn’t want to open presents with the family and stayed in his room. His father simply dropped off his gifts without pressure. It was a way of letting go of expectations and meeting his child where he was emotionally.”

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I remember one Thanksgiving when our daughter couldn’t handle eating at the same table with the family. She was triggered by the closeness of everyone laughing and sharing stories. So, we set up a small table in a different part of the house where she could eat alone. While it felt strange and sad at first, it gave her the space she needed, and we were able to maintain peace.

2. Share only what is necessary while creating predictability.

Sharing too many holiday details with your child may seem like it will help them, but it can backfire. “When you lay out all the details, it gives the child an instruction manual of sorts to derail the day,” Lien explains.

For children with reactive attachment disorder, holidays can feel overwhelming. Knowing everything ahead of time may trigger their survival instincts, leading them to shut down activities to regain a sense of control.

Instead, try giving small amounts of information as the day unfolds. Keep your energy subdued, stay flexible, and give your child the option to take breaks or opt-out if needed. This helps reduce the pressure they may feel to manage every part of the day.

“It’s okay if your holiday doesn’t look like your neighbor’s,” says VanTine. “In order to keep going, you need to prioritize your immediate family, not what others are doing or expecting.”

“Kids, especially those with developmental trauma, thrive on routine and structure,” Houze notes. A schedule can help bring predictability to the holiday season, especially if downtime feels chaotic for your child. During extended school breaks, try creating a simple routine with manageable tasks — such as arts and crafts, chores, or outdoor activities.

You can also share a timeline of holiday events but offer only essential information upfront. Adjust as needed, and provide your child with outlets to decompress if things become overwhelming.

3. Be flexible with traditions and plans.

For some families, skipping certain holidays altogether may be the best option. If you have more than one child, it might make sense to divide and conquer — one parent with the child struggling with RAD and the other with the siblings.

“Try not to overwhelm,” VanTine advises. “You don’t need to do every tradition. It’s okay to pick one or two that are manageable for your family.”

For example, if your child can’t handle the excitement of decorating a tree with others, consider doing it in small stages or allow them to help with just one part.

4. Avoid forcing behaviors and let natural consequences teach.

Managing expectations also means letting go of the need to teach or enforce certain holiday behaviors. “Natural consequences are better than forced behaviors,” VanTine explains. “If Grandma gives a gift and the child doesn’t say thank you, let Grandma handle it. If your child refuses to dress appropriately, someone else might comment — and it will probably sink in better that way.”

Parents often feel pressure to manage their child’s behavior to avoid judgment from others, but trying to control every moment only adds more stress. “As parents, we feel our kids’ behavior reflects on us,” Houze says. “We don’t want others to see it, but sometimes, letting others see what’s really going on helps.”

5. Think outside the box.

Raising a child with reactive attachment disorder often requires a complete shift in how you approach holidays. Some traditions may need to change, and new ones may emerge.

Mother’s Day was always a struggle in my home. I would wait for my children to show me appreciation, but the day would end in disappointment. Eventually, I realized I needed to change my expectations. I decided to spend Mother’s Day away at a spa or visiting friends, giving myself the self-care I needed. It allowed me to feel appreciated without relying on my children, who weren’t in a place to meet those expectations.

Give Yourself Grace While Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

At the end of the day, no holiday will be perfect — and neither will you. “As parents, we get triggered during the holidays too,” VanTine says. “We worry about what people think of our parenting. Part of surviving the holidays is letting that go.”

Remember that raising a child with reactive attachment disorder is challenging. Give yourself permission to focus on your own well-being. Build personal time and self-care into your holiday plans to recharge.

“You’re doing the best you can with what you know and the limited resources you have,” VanTine reminds parents. “That's all you can do. Even though they're typically not treated as such, the RAD parents I know are remarkable humans. If no one else sees it, know that we do. We're in your corner.”

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About the Authors:

This blog post is a collaboration from the work of our talented volunteer writers including Micaela Myers and Amy J. Brown. As parents of children with developmental trauma, they understand the difficult and unique journey first-hand. We greatly appreciate their support of RAD Advocates and the mission to reach other families struggling to parent children with developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder.