In 2007, Michelle* and Alan Smith got a call: Would they take in a 17-month-old boy as a kinship placement? The infant, Joshua, was related to Alan by extended family. The couple had always considered fostering after having their two biological children, who were 7 and 12 at the time.
Joshua had been removed from his birth parents at 6 months of age due to neglect and an incident where his biological parent shook him in public. Because of the early neglect, the muscles on one side of his body were seized up, and he was underweight. Joshua spent time in two temporary foster placements before coming to live with the Smiths at just under 2 years old. His biological father agreed to a guardianship, and the Smith family became Joshua’s permanent home.
Little did they know the epic tragedy that awaited them — a tragedy that could have been preventable if proper treatment was available and if agencies and professionals had listened to the Smith family’s desperate cries for help.
Warning Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder/Developmental Trauma
Joshua screamed and screamed. Even as he got a little older, not getting his way resulted in total meltdowns. School trouble started early.
“One time the preschool called me and told me that he just went running up to another child’s father and hit him in the groan,” Michelle recalls.
Joshua bullied other children from a young age and in elementary school told a classmate he would pee on his parent’s toothbrushes when he was mad at them. He also ran away repeatedly, prompting the Smiths to install alarms on their external doors.
The grade school principal suggested the Smiths take a Love and Logic parenting training, which they did, trying to implement the strategies. But like many of us parenting children with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder have learned, parenting strategies alone do little to turn the tide.
When he was 12, Joshua attended a summer camp for children from troubled backgrounds, where he beat up an 8-year-old girl. A counselor had taught the children about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and her fear of loud noises, and he purposely followed that counselor around blowing up plastic bags and popping them to scare her.
At school, Joshua helped with a fundraiser but kept the money. When Michelle told him he’d have to pay it back, he told the sheriff she hit him.
Little did they know the epic tragedy that awaited them — a tragedy that could have been preventable if proper treatment was available and if agencies and professionals had listened to the Smith family’s desperate cries for help.
When Joshua reached high school, he was over six feet tall. As a freshman, he pinned the Smith’s 6-year-old granddaughter down and sprayed disinfectant in her eyes as she screamed. One day, Michelle found him hiding in his closet with a knife when he should have been at school. He was also watching violent pornography on school computers, threatening and intimidating other kids, and getting suspended repeatedly.
Looking for Help
Throughout all of this, the Smiths tried getting Joshua help, and he continued to be in therapy. He received various diagnosis like many of our kids do — including attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression and oppositional defiance disorder — but professionals were hesitant to diagnose reactive attachment disorder, as many are due to its limited definition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), misperceptions of it being rare and its unclear treatment path.
After many attempts to get Joshua a higher level of care, the Smiths found a group home that would admit him. However, Joshua repeatedly ran away from the facility, and they could no longer keep him. To return a child that even professionals can’t handle to a normal home is, of course, a recipe for disaster. Joshua swallowed silica packets he’d been saving up at home, but the hospital the Smiths admitted him to refused to keep him on a psychiatric hold. Once again, the family was failed.
Like many of us parenting children with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder have learned, parenting strategies alone do little to turn the tide.
Things only got worse at home, including Joshua breaking and entering, though unfortunately the company where he did so didn’t press charges.
“One day I found a little book on the table,” Michelle says. “It was called his revenge book, and there were names of kids and at the end, my name was in red. It said, ‘Mom must die.’”
Michelle contacted the department of family services begging for help and letting them know they could not continue to be his guardians without a higher level of care for Joshua, but no one would return her emails.
“I said to them, ‘If you don’t help, I’m going to get a call at 3:00 in the morning telling me that he killed somebody or they have retrieved his body,’” she recalls. “But there was no response from them.”
By then, Michelle was sleeping with a dresser in front of her door, scared for her safety. She’d been offered a job in a neighboring state and wanted the family to start afresh there, but Alan suggested she go ahead for her own safety. He and their adult son, Tyler, would look after Joshua and try and find him some help.
Not long after her move, Tyler called saying he hadn’t seen Dad. Alan wasn’t answering his phone, and his truck was nowhere to be seen. When Tyler went home that evening, he didn’t see his dad or his truck anywhere. Unbeknownst to him, Joshua was also in the house hiding. The next morning at 3 a.m., Michelle got a call from the police saying Joshua had taken his dad’s truck for a joy ride and rolled it; could someone please pick him up.
Not long after, a policeman found Alan’s body in his bedroom, tucked between the bed and the wall, not visible when looking through the bedroom door. It would later come out that Joshua had taken Tyler’s gun from his gun safe, shot their father in the back that morning, hid the truck out of sight, then invited his friends over to play video games. After Tyler went to sleep that night, Joshua took the truck for a joyride. Journal entries proved the crime was pre-meditated; Joshua was tired of being told what to do.
The Urgent Need for Change Surrounding Developmental Trauma
The Smith family's story is the ultimate tragedy and one Michelle believes could have been prevented if Joshua had received the correct diagnoses and if they’d had access to a higher level of mental health care and support.
“I was begging for help and there's not much care out there for children with severe mental health issues,” Michelle says. “And they don't know how to deal with it.”
This part of the story is unfortunately all too common. All over the world, families dealing with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder are reaching out for help and not finding it.
“I said to [the department of family services], ‘If you don’t help, I’m going to get a call at 3:00 in the morning telling me that he killed somebody or they have retrieved his body,’” she recalls. “But there was no response from them.”
Amy VanTine, chief executive officer of RAD Advocates, emphasizes the need for more awareness around developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder. “This family recognized they were in crisis and were reaching out for help, but if there isn't the awareness about how to support the family, then the disorder gets worse,” VanTine says.
Just as cardiac surgeons receive specialized training, mental health professionals need targeted training so they can better recognize and treat developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder.
“Therapists think that because they're trauma-informed or they're a childhood therapist that they can handle these disorders, and that is not the case,” VanTine says. “This requires specialty training.”
The Smith family's story is the ultimate tragedy and one Michelle believes could have been prevented if Joshua had received the correct diagnoses and if they’d had access to a higher level of mental health care and support.
It’s one area RAD Advocates is working to improve. Because very little quality education exists for aspiring and established educators, therapists and other professionals, the organization is taking on the task. As a grassroots organization founded by parents who’ve lived with the disorder, its staff, volunteers and members understand reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma like no one else. Through their experiences, they’ve found the few professionals who truly understand the disorder. RAD Advocates is partnering with those professionals to bring their rare expertise to others through professional development in 2025.
“No one should experience what this family did. The father’s tragic death serves as a stark reminder of the immense challenges faced by families dealing with reactive attachment disorder,” says VanTine. “We hope their story ignites others to join us in advocacy for systemic change — so that other families no longer have to suffer in silence and the next call for help is answered. We are called to act with compassion, understanding and urgency.”
Are you in danger?
Not all children with developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder are violent. Some can be, however, depending on the severity of their disorder and other co-existing mental health issues. We urge you to be proactive if you are worried for the safety of yourself or your family while living with a child with developmental trauma Please read and feel free to print our infographic "4 Steps to Take During a Crisis as a RAD Parent." If you need help creating a safety plan while living with a child with developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder, RAD Advocates can help. If you ever face imminent danger, call 911.
*Names changed to protect the privacy of this family.
About the Author:
Micaela Myers and her husband adopted a pair of siblings from foster care in 2015, when the children were 9 and 13. Since then, she has become an advocate for foster care reform and the support and education of adoptive parents. She was a member and is a supporter of RAD Advocates. Micaela earned her MFA in writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts and works as a professional writer and editor in Colorado.
Wow! This is so very real and such a fear of mine. One of my sons with RAD is very physically violent. He's injured his brothers and me on many occasions. Often requiring medical care. I did manage to get him placed in residential housing for many years. He only became more physically aggressive in those settings. He quite often beat up the counselors and those managing the home which would send them to the ER due to the severity. But no one would press charges despite repeated police reports.
Every time he'd disappear from a facility, I feared the worst. He always said he was going to kill me and I had no reason to doubt it. But no…