Janet* and Dave* worked for a missionary organization and always felt the calling to adopt. They began to fundraise and prepare years in advance. Finally, in 2019, they were approved to bring home a pair of Haitian twins, age 3, to join their three biological children.
“There was a lot of gang violence and unrest in Haiti at the time,” Janet explains. The kids had to be dropped off quickly at a hotel near the airport, then Janet and Dave brought them home.
The Early Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder
Janet and Dave's youngest biological child, daughter Riley*, was six when the twins moved in. “There was zero honeymoon period,” Janet recalls. “Our adopted son Jarred* became violent with us within a couple of weeks, but even before the violence started, it was like a full-on rejection of us from day one. If we would try to do anything that was nurturing, he would find some way to put a stop to it.” For example, if they read him a book, he might stick a finger up his bottom and then rub that finger on his parents. “Within a few weeks of being home, he would start punching Riley in the stomach when he walked past her,” Janet continues. “He would start scratching and hitting us. We really were shocked at how quickly we were seeing such violent behavior.”
But in those early months, they blamed it on the transition. Still, the wild behaviors were exhausting, and after a few months, they found a preschool that could accept the twins a few hours a week. “Within a week of starting there, he was trashing the classroom and attacking the teachers, just like he was at home,” Janet says. “That was when it first occurred to us that it might be reactive attachment disorder, but we were really hoping it was just transition.”
Soon, the preschool refused to keep Jarred. It was then that Dave and Janet began reaching out for services. However, COVID struck, making services — and breaks from the children — much harder to come by. Still, they persevered, seeking any and all help to determine what exactly Jarred’s issues were. “We did lots of different doctor's appointments — eyes, ears, anything that could be causing him to meltdown,” Janet continues. “We were trying to just check all of them off the box. We even did genetics testing.”
Where they were living in Canada had too few pediatricians, so getting in to see one was difficult. “We were reaching out to services, and we were really struggling,” Janet recalls. “Things were just getting worse and worse. The physical attacks were getting really bad. He was also running off into roads and running out onto lakes that were partially frozen — everything you could think of to reject any kind of authority.”
Further adding to the family’s stress was the fact Janet had to stay home with the five kids. Schools were closed because of the COVID outbreak. Dave was having a hard time getting in enough hours of work, trying to help Janet manage.
While Jarred’s behavior took most of the family’s attention, his twin sister Hannah* was also struggling. “From the first day that we got home with our twins from Haiti, Hannah would not let me have any kind of contact with Riley,” Janet explains. “If I came into a room, it was like a race to see who could get to me first because they had to claim me and push the other one away. Riley was 6 when they moved in, and so it was really hard going from being the youngest to now having these two kids that were taking all of our attention. Hannah tried to upset Riley as much as possible, making faces at her, stealing things from her, trying to get her in trouble, etc.”
Desperate for Help, Met with Judgment
As the family devolved into chaos, and COVID raged on, Janet and Dave lost their jobs with the missionary organization, including the home that came with those jobs. They also lost family and friends. “We weren't getting any help from friends,” Janet says. “We were just getting a lot of judgment. We lost everyone.”
As they looked for housing, they focused on an area that had the most services to help Jarred and Hannah. “We thought if we moved to that specific area, we’d get more services and help,” Janet explains. “We thought we could build up a village again and try to get back up on our feet. We were already completely burnt out.”
The physical attacks were getting really bad. He was also running off into roads and running out onto lakes that were partially frozen — everything you could think of to reject any kind of authority.
In their new location, they were able to get Jarred and Hannah into a pediatrician, who immediately put them on medication for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Reactive attachment disorder, also known as developmental trauma disorder can include symptoms that mimic ADHD, so it’s a common misdiagnosis. “The ADHD medication made our son 10 times worse,” Janet says. “We tried about three different ones with him.” When those failed, they tried other medication, still to no avail.
The Cost of Reactive Attachment Disorder on a Family
Home life was only getting worse. Jared defecated and urinated all over the house. He caused damage and destruction. He would turn almost anything into a weapon. They had to bolt down the heat grate and remove all but his mattress from his room. Still, he would open the window, climb on the roof and threaten to jump.
“The physical attacks on us were one of the hardest things to deal with — constantly being bit scratched and punched,” Janet recalls. “The verbal threats were constant too — ‘I’m going to kill you,’ or ‘I'm going to kill the girls.’ He was daily threatening to kill himself.”
Sometimes they had to call the police twice a day.
By then, Jarred had started kindergarten. Not surprisingly, that wasn’t going well either. “At school, he took a window blind string and wrapped it around his neck,” Janet says. “He would rip up paper and shove it down his throat to try to choke himself. He would attack other kids at school daily.”
Through it all, they continued to try and get help for Jarred and their family. “We were in hundreds of hours of meetings trying to get services and work up the ranks to try to get help,” Janet explains. “But instead of help, we were just getting child protection investigations done on us.”
The first came about when their doctor recommended they call a children’s aid organization and request a temporary placement for Jarred. The doctor had worked for the organization previously, and they asked her to call on their behalf. But when she did, the organization took it as a report and began an investigation of the family. While the family wasn’t charged as a result, it only added to their stress.
"We weren't getting any help from friends. We were just getting a lot of judgment," says Janet. "We lost everyone."
Eventually they did receive respite funding. However, respite done incorrectly in children with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder makes matters worse. Jarred would get his way at respite, then be all the more rebellious at home. “Our other kids were pretty much fending for themselves,” Janet says. “Our two oldest boys were having to step up as caregivers to their two younger sisters. Sometimes we would get a phone call and have to run across town because Jarred would be flipping out at a respite location, day camp, or out on the roads. They would even have to finish making dinner and feed the girls. Each time Jarred would become violent, the two boys would take the girls down into the basement and take care of them, sometimes for hours while we dealt with Jarred and police.”
Like most families dealing with developmental trauma disorder, Janet and Dave tried various parenting strategies, constantly were self-educating themselves and doing whatever they could to keep the family safe. To keep Jarred off the roof, Janet’s father helped build him a safer room downstairs. Still, they knew it wasn't enough and pursued in-patient treatment for Jarred. But instead of accepting Jarred into in-patient treatment, the facility recommended parent training. They said inpatient would harm his bonding, even though there clearly was no bonding taking place.
At this time, the family lost their funding for respite as well. They hired a lawyer and tried to get Child Protective Services (CPS) to step in and take Jarred, explaining they could not keep him safe. CPS stalled, claiming they’d first have to find a placement.
Finding Hope: Why Advocacy Matters for Families Facing Reactive Attachment Disorder
Luckily, Dave and Janet had contacted RAD Advocates and signed up for advocacy help.
“We owe our lives to RAD Advocates,” Janet says. “Our advocate, Amy VanTine, encouraged us to do what was best for our family and for our son. She really walked us through our options and how to navigate the system.”
As CPS continued to drag their feet, things continued to get worse. One day, when Jarred was 6, the school called. Jarred had found access to the school roof, and the police were on their way. When the police arrived, they determined he needed to go to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. Janet and Dave gave the hospital their social worker’s contact information and let the hospital know he was in the process of being taken into CPS custody, and the social worker would be the contact. When CPS contacted them, they held strong that they could not keep him safe in their home.
“We owe our lives to RAD Advocates,” Janet says. “Our advocate, Amy VanTine, encouraged us to do what was best for our family and for our son. She really walked us through our options and how to navigate the system."
This step began a two-year legal battle with CPS. CPS has had a very difficult time finding any placement that could handle Jarred. As legal bills mounted, Janet and Dave had to resort to representing themselves in court.
Once Jarred was out of the home, Hannah’s behaviors became more prominent. This is often the case, as the child with more aggressive behaviors takes center stage. Although she wasn’t violent, she was used to living in chaos. With Jarred gone, she took over creating the chaos, with her behaviors directed at Riley and at Janet, who she saw as the nurturing enemy. Both Jarred and Hannah eventually received a diagnosis of disturbance of attachment.
Through all of the chaos and stress, Janet and Dave's marriage was also strained. And the triangulation — a symptom of reactive attachment disorder — that they endured from the twins fostered that strain. “I was pretty much in mental breakdown,” Janet says. “It was really, really tough. And then my husband moved out, and I was terrified because I knew I was going to really struggle parenting all four kids by myself and Hannah, particularly, because that meant now I had no one to help me.” Families dealing with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder without support often face similar difficulties and breakdowns, which is why RAD Advocates is working to change the system.
Dave tried taking Hannah for half the time, but that upped the triangulation. He also tried taking her full time, but Dave was dealing with his own struggles. Eventually, a family they knew who had also adopted from Haiti offered to take Hannah, and they are now moving toward adopting her. However, this triggered yet another CPS investigation. In all, Janet and Dave have been investigated five times. “It's very traumatizing having the system continuously blame you and tell you that you're a failure as a parent and that you're harming your children, and it's scary,” Janet shares. It’s taken a significant toll on her physical health as well as her mental health, so much so that she can no longer work.
Janet knows the failure of the system and society to support families like theirs boils down to people not understanding reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder.
“If they understood that this is a total rejection of caregiving, it wouldn't be a parent blame game, and there would be hope. But there's zero hope because they don't understand that, and they can't comprehend it,” Janet laments. “Until the system can recognize RAD and understand it as something real, families like ours are going to continue to suffer and fall apart.”
“It's very traumatizing having the system continuously blame you and tell you that you're a failure as a parent and that you're harming your children, and it's scary,” Janet shares.
To other families dealing with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder, Janet recommends reaching out to RAD Advocates. “It didn't fix all of our problems, but it gave us the extra hope needed to know that we weren't crazy and that this happens to other people,” she says. “It was the first time we really felt believed, understood and cared for, and it breathed life into our broken souls that were suffocating. In all of the things that we've done, having their advocacy was the one thing that helped.”
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