Looking back, my husband and I entered the foster care and adoption journey with a naivety that led to challenges we weren’t prepared for. We didn't recognize issues or have resources in place in time. This unawareness ultimately created an unsafe home environment and resulted in us relinquishing parental rights to our son, Joe, who struggles with severe reactive attachment disorder (RAD).
Adoption does not equal the disorder. But education and preparation for the possibility of it could have changed everything for our family. While the adoption and foster care classes we attended acknowledged that our children may have experienced early trauma, the staff didn't prepare us for the reality that followed.
"Certainly not all kids who've been adopted or were in foster care have reactive attachment disorder. Developmental trauma is not an adoption or parenting issue, it is a trauma issue," says RAD Advocates Founder/Chief Executive Officer Amy VanTine. "Considering that many children in the foster care system have experienced trauma, however, there is a correlation there that can't be dismissed."
We were told RAD is rare and that love and time would help the children settle in after their prior traumatic experiences — a popular opinion that just isn't true.
"Sadly, many adoptive parents are misled," says VanTine. "We believe in adoption here at RAD Advocates. But we also believe in transparency, education, and preparation for all parents. It's critical to understand and prepare for the special needs and background of any kiddo you bring into your home whether via adoption, marriage, or otherwise."
Two of the three children we adopted are thriving in our home today. One is not, sadly. No one enters adoption with the intent to relinquish the parental rights of their child. It's a heart-wrenching experience I'd never wish upon anyone. I hope my family's experience can help others prepare for a far better outcome.
When people ask what to consider before adopting, here’s the honest advice I share from bringing three children into our home:
1. Heal infertility wounds first.
Adopting a child is not a remedy for infertility grief. Adoption inherently involves grief for the child due to the loss of their biological family, and combining grieving parents with a grieving child can hinder healing for everyone.
For us, adoption came before attempting to conceive. During Joe’s escalating behaviors, I suffered a miscarriage — a devastating event, but one that, in hindsight, spared us from bringing a newborn into an already volatile environment.
We were told RAD is rare and that love and time would help the children settle in after their prior traumatic experiences — a popular opinion that just isn't true.
Unhealed infertility wounds can create unrealistic expectations, placing undue emotional pressure on the adopted child to fill a void. This dynamic can unintentionally harm the child instead of supporting their healing.
2. Heal your childhood wounds first.
Dr. Dan Siegel emphasizes in The Neurobiology of We, “The best thing we can do for our children is heal our own traumas.” Adopted children — especially those with RAD — have an uncanny ability to expose unhealed areas in their parents.
Joe often triggered emotional responses in me that stemmed from my own unresolved experiences. Through therapy, I identified these triggers and worked to become what I called “an immovable mountain.” Unfortunately, I began this process too late — Joe had already learned to manipulate and intimidate, escalating his behavior in search of control.
Healing past traumas before adopting is essential to creating a stable and safe environment for your family.
3. Be radically honest about your motivations.
Adopting for reasons like infertility, wanting a specific gender, or a sense of duty is not child-centered. These motivations may unintentionally set families up for disappointment and fail to honor the adopted child’s unique needs, traumas, and identity.
Children are not blank slates, and even infants carry grief and trauma. Parents must approach adoption ready to prioritize the child’s well-being over their own desires or expectations.
4. Educate yourself about adoption trauma, attachment theory and reactive attachment disorder.
Read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier to understand the deep grief adoption imposes on children, even newborns. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory further explains how disruptions in early attachment can lead to challenges in trust, emotional regulation, and relationships later in life.
While not all adopted children develop RAD, all face attachment challenges. Adoptive parents must recognize that even children adopted as infants come with unique traumas that require understanding and care.
5. Obtain all documentation before committing.
Adoptive parents are often given incomplete or inaccurate information about a child’s history. In our case, we received only Joe’s immunization records. Requests to review his full file were ignored until the two-year window to access it closed.
Omitting crucial diagnoses or behaviors in the name of privacy or placement undermines the child’s care and the family’s preparedness. Insist on obtaining all available documentation to ensure proper treatment and safety.
6. Advocate for reactive attachment disorder testing before finalizing the adoption.
If concerning behaviors are present, push for diagnostic testing before the adoption is finalized. Once finalized, securing diagnoses, treatments, or increased subsidies becomes much more challenging.
Documented needs before finalization allow adoptive parents to negotiate support, such as higher stipends or funding for specialized care, if necessary.
7. Learn from a range of adoption experiences.
Many adoption stories are mostly positive. My husband and I adopted three siblings. Two of our children are a joy to parent but our experience with Joe nearly broke us. My feelings and beliefs on adoption are mixed.
Seek out honest accounts from adoptive families who have experienced both positive and negative outcomes. This balanced perspective helps set realistic expectations.
8. Be honest if adoption isn’t right for you.
Not everyone is equipped to be an adoptive parent, and that’s okay. Adopted children often have special needs that require extraordinary advocacy, patience, and resilience.
Backing out before finalization is not a failure — it ensures that both the child and the prospective family find environments where they can thrive.
"Sadly, many adoptive parents are misled," says VanTine. "We believe in adoption here at RAD Advocates. But we also believe in transparency, education, and preparation for all parents. It's critical to understand and prepare for the special needs and background of any kiddo you bring into your home whether via adoption, marriage, or otherwise."
Parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder or other trauma-related challenges requires preparation, honesty, and support. If you’re navigating this journey, RAD Advocates is here to help you understand the disorder, prepare your family, and ensure everyone’s safety.
"We'd love the chance to work with families before potentially bringing developmental trauma into the home, rather than afterward," says VanTine. "While RAD Advocates often works with families in crisis, we always welcome the chance to prevent crises in the first place. We believe education and advocacy can help make that difference."
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