It is an often-repeated sentiment amongst parents of children with reactive attachment disorder, also known as developmental trauma — few people can truly understand their struggles unless they've lived with a child who suffers from the disorder.
Sadly, that is true in my experience.
From our family and friends to those who worked for the very agencies designed to help us, the disorder had the power to triangulate people in our lives. We lost many people who had vowed to support my husband and me through parenting our adopted children. The most painful loss has been the relationship I had with my parents.
Reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma is a serious developmental brain disorder that affects children who experience abuse or neglect in their early years. This leads to the child’s inability to trust, especially adults, and a need to maintain control to feel safe.
It is truly mind-boggling to see the lengths a severely traumatized child will go to seek control — from lying, stealing, manipulation, and a chameleon-like personality to violence and amoral behavior. It is difficult for people who don't understand the disorder to fathom such behaviors from a child. Even as a parent who has lived with it, I'm still in disbelief.
If everyone involved isn’t willing and able to learn about the disorder, the disorder usually takes over and consumes relationships.
The Pain of Judgement From Those We Love
My family moved to our current location when our son Joe*, who suffers from developmental trauma, was about 7 years old. We moved from a rural town where we were well-known and respected to a large college town where we knew no one. We chose to move because Joe’s disorder was worsening and there were no resources or services for our family in the small town we loved.
Two significant things happened in quick succession shortly after we moved. First, my parents held an “intervention” to tell my husband and me that Joe was a brat and that we were terrible parents. Second, Joe had his first of many acute in-patient hospitalizations.
To say that this was the lowest point of my life up to that point would be an understatement.
Leading up to the intervention, my parents had demonstrated an unwillingness to learn about or understand the dynamics of reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma. Even though they didn't grasp what was happening in our home, they assumed they knew best. They had gone so far as to undermine our parenting intentionally. This caused Joe’s behaviors to escalate more than once and put our family at risk of physical harm.
It is truly mind-boggling to see the lengths a severely traumatized child will go to seek control — from lying, stealing, manipulation, and a chameleon-like personality to violence and amoral behavior. It is difficult for people who don't understand the disorder to fathom such behaviors from a child
I came to the heartbreaking realization that my parents were not capable of providing emotional support, much less adhering to parenting, behavior, and safety plans outlined by qualified professionals that my husband and I were trying to follow.
I didn't have the time or energy to manage their ignorance while trying to help Joe heal and keep my family safe. Sadly, my husband and I felt it best for our family not to have contact with my parents. I didn't even have time to grieve that relationship due to the chaos we lived in.
One night Joe’s behavior escalated to the point that our entire family was in harm’s way. From the moment we followed the advice from Joe’s therapist to take Joe to the emergency room, I doubted we were doing the right thing. I felt I’d failed him — that my love, care, and nurturing hadn’t been enough. And I was somehow deficient as a mother. If ever there was a time I wanted to call my parents for comfort and reassurance, this was it.
At the time, this is what I wrote in my journal:
"At 2 am on Sunday, as I sat in the ER, muffling my sobs so as not to wake my son who had raged himself into exhaustion, all I could think was how I wish I could call my mom. I wanted to cry and have her tell me I’m doing the right thing. But I can’t do that. Because she would inevitably make what was the hardest thing I’ve ever done even worse. And I hate her for that."
In the aftermath of that night, I realized that I had gotten through the hardest moment of my life without my parents’ involvement. I sadly realized that I was capable of doing hard things without them. I was far stronger than I had given myself credit. And if they could not be relied upon during hard times, they didn’t deserve to participate in the good times.
If everyone involved isn’t willing and able to learn about the disorder, the disorder usually takes over and consumes relationships.
The years following Joe’s first acute inpatient hospital stay involved some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life, none of which my parents were involved in. Each event brought a fresh wave of grief and longing because the desire to share big life experiences with my parents has never faded.
My parents have since apologized and extended their efforts to learn about developmental trauma. With the help of extensive boundaries, we have reestablished a relationship. However, their uneducated and harsh judgment so many years ago wounded me so deeply that I will never fully trust them again. I no longer share any intimate details of our lives with them.
Finding Understanding Through the Pain of Misunderstanding Reactive Attachment Disorder
In retrospect, I’ve come to believe that the pain I experienced is merely a fraction of the pain and trauma Joe experienced due to his early life abuse and neglect. It brought me closer to understanding him. It both broke me and softened my heart.
I now find that I am most at home with fellow parents of children with reactive attachment disorder. With that group, so much can go unsaid but is still understood. There is never judgment, only support and compassion. Although every story and family is different, our common bond is having to make hard choices to keep our children and families safe.
If my story resonates with you, you are not alone. RAD Advocates is an organization that offers understanding, support, and advocacy from parents who lived it. They’re available if you need them. I wish I had found them earlier than I did.
If you know a family who is struggling with a child with reactive attachment disorder, please listen, learn, and withhold judgment. They need you now more than ever. Your compassion and understanding can make all the difference as they fight to nurture a child who actively pushes them away.
*name changed to protect identity
About the Author:
After parenting a child with developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder, the author is passionate about furthering advocacy and education for families like hers. She hopes that one day, other families will receive more support, understanding, and empathy than hers did. For now, she chooses to remain anonymous until that time comes. But she continues to volunteer for RAD Advocates in their mission to educate and advocate to equip families, communities, and professionals to support children with developmental trauma effectively.
This resonates with me. Four adopted children. Two with RAD, one with attachment issues, two with developmental issues. Prior to my son being diagnosed with being on the spectrum, my mother accused me of spoiling him. She was very vicious with this. Then when I began having such severe behavioral issues with another son, which I later discovered was due to RAD, she accused me of not loving him enough. Many, many years later, after my severe RAD has been out of the home since he was 13, now 19, my mother never even mentions him. Despite my sister dying 21 years ago, my mother doesn't understand that this was like a death to me.
In my house, my husband…