Years ago, when we were in the thick of parenting a child with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder, we went to meet with our son’s therapist. I was exhausted, upset, frustrated and more describing all the recent lying and stealing we were dealing with.
“Why is lying and stealing such a trigger for you?” she asked.
Needless to say, this was not helpful. First of all, she wasn’t seeing or understanding the big picture of what we were going through. Secondly, having a family member constantly lying and stealing would upset most folks, regardless of their personal triggers.
Unless you have reached some master-level of enlightenment, being the primary caregiver to a child with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder will likely push you over the edge from time to time no matter how much you’ve dealt with your triggers.
“Children with the disorder are excellent diagnosticians so to speak” says Forrest Lien, a clinical social worker and trauma expert who developed specialized treatments for children with reactive attachment disorder and their families. "Because their brains are wired in survival-mode, the children have a keen ability to find weaknesses in people and relationships and take advantage of it to gain control of their environments."
Triggers we as parents did not even know we had begin to surface while parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder. It’s crazy-making for many reasons — our kids often try to get a rise out of us and they actively push us away, when we know that’s not the natural order of parent and child. Believe me, I get it.
Even though our son’s therapist was wrong that day, and her comment wasn’t helpful, I did indeed have other real triggers that would have been helpful for me to deal with, not just in relation to our son but in all my relationships.
What is a Trigger?
Simply put, a trigger is a stimulus that causes a painful memory, event, feeling or situation to resurface. Maybe you were attacked by a dog as a child, and seeing that type of dog causes strong fear to resurface. Or perhaps your father was an angry alcoholic, and the sound of a wine bottle being uncorked leaves you unmoored. Triggers can be from one-time events or ongoing situations, and they can be unconscious, meaning you don’t even know why you suddenly feel afraid or upset.
According to the Psych Central article “What Are Triggers, and How Do They Form?”: “In general, when a person is ‘triggered,’ they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition. A person’s strong reaction to being triggered may come as a surprise to others because the response seems out of proportion to the stimulus. But this is because the triggered individual is mentally reliving the original trauma.”
Unless you have reached some master-level of enlightenment, being the primary caregiver to a child with developmental trauma disorder/reactive attachment disorder will likely push you over the edge from time to time no matter how much you’ve dealt with your triggers.
If you’d asked me what my triggers were before adopting, I would have just stared blankly at you. I hadn’t given it much thought and didn’t think I needed therapy or had any major issues.
Now, looking back, I see I indeed had triggers that caused me to react in ways that were “over the top” and made things worse. First off, I grew up in a chaotic house with an alcoholic father who often became violent when drunk. I followed that by entering into a six-year emotionally abusive first relationship. Because of these experiences, I don’t feel safe when things aren’t orderly and predictable.
When I was single and even after I married, it was pretty easy to keep my life on the orderly and predictable side, so I didn’t even realize what an issue it was for me until reactive attachment disorder moved into our lives. The same is true for me and boundaries. Not only were my boundaries not respected growing up, but they were run over in that first relationship. I vowed never to be a doormat again but then found myself feeling exactly like a doormat in after we adopted. In the exact same predicament with my adopted child.
Children with the disorder are excellent diagnosticians so to speak” says Forrest Lien, a clinical social worker and trauma expert who developed specialized treatments for children with reactive attachment disorder and their families. "Because their brains are wired in survival-mode, the children have a keen ability to find weaknesses in people and relationships and take advantage of it to gain control of their environments.
Of course, we all deserve to feel safe in our homes. We should not endure abuse, even from a child. As parents, it’s our job to guide our children, and we have to have a certain amount of control to keep our families safe. That said, I got into power struggles over lots of things I shouldn’t have, and the more I saw and felt my order and control slipping away, the more over-the-top my reactions became.
The one gift those trying years gave me was growth and understanding. I was raised by psychologists and highly skeptical of the profession. I never would have sought therapy if we hadn’t adopted, and I’ve learned a lot about myself as a result.
Addressing Your Triggers While Living With Reactive Attachment Disorder
Pretty much everyone has some type of trigger. If you’re not sure what yours are, pay attention whenever you have a strong emotional response. Your response may be accompanied by physical symptoms of anxiety, such as an upset stomach, increased heart rate, shakiness or clammy palms.
The Healthline article “How to Identify and Manage Your Emotional Triggers” suggests you then take a step back and think about what was happening when you were triggered. If you don’t know why something set you off, get curious about it. How could it tie into past events or situations that were upsetting to you?
For the first few years after we adopted, I had no idea why I reacted so strongly to certain things. Let’s say our son had come home from school. I had the evening mapped out and was beginning dinner. Everything before his entry was orderly. The minute he came home, chaos ensued. He’d begin arguing, threatening and refusing. Even though he was not violent, and I was physically safe, I was no longer mentally safe. I’d attempt to reestablish order, but we’d end up in a power struggle — both triggered.
I hadn’t given it much thought and didn’t think I needed therapy or had any major issues. Now, looking back, I see I indeed had triggers that caused me to react in ways that were “over the top” and made things worse.
My therapist, who was great, helped me understand the “why” behind my reactions. When I got triggered, she encouraged me to take a break in my room, lay on the bed, breathe deeply and find where the feeling was in my body (like tightness in my chest). I’d then breathe into the feeling and remind myself “That was then, this is now. I’m safe.”
But my body knew that was a bit of a lie. I wasn’t anymore safe than I’d been in the situations that caused my triggers in the first place. My home was chaos. My family was falling apart. Still, I knew I was making things worse by getting dysregulated, arguing, yelling or slamming doors.
I was just at the beginning stages of understanding the whole trigger scenario when my therapist had a terrible accident and could no longer see clients. A couple years later, we relinquished custody of our son.
But I’ve continued to work on my triggers, and I think I understand them a lot better now than I did back then. Addressing my triggers wasn’t a magic bullet. It likely wouldn’t have saved our family. We needed all the things RAD Advocates hopes parents will one day find readily accessible — professionals who understand and support families, respite, proven treatments, etc.
However, I still think it’s important for all of us to understand what happened to us and how it impacts us today. Doing so can improve all our relationships, not just the troubled ones.
If I’d addressed my triggers earlier, it would have helped me understand the power struggles I got into, so I could work to let some of them go. And even though our son would have kept doing what he did, I wouldn’t have been escalating the situation as much and making myself feel crazy in the process. Understanding our own triggers also helps us understand our children’s and spouse’s triggers.
I never could have attempted the “grey rock” method — basically ignoring troubling behaviors as a way to diffuse the person and situation — that so many parents dealing with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder recommend if I hadn’t done a lot of work on my triggers first.
“Living with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma is highly unpredictable. As a parent, you can’t control it,” says RAD Advocates Chief Operating Officer Heather Houze. “You can do your best to mentally and physically protect yourself and your family though. One way to do so is to get your own therapy, recognize your triggers and learn how to get through them without escalating along with your child. When you’re calm, you’re better able to de-escalate a situation or follow through on a safety plan if necessary.”
If you’re interested in working on your triggers, therapy, mindfulness and journaling can all help. And give yourself grace. None of us remain calm all the time, and we’re all works-in-progress. We’re also dealing with impossible situations and need a lot more support and understanding.
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