As a professional cybersecurity advocate, I take highly complex technical subjects and attempt to make them easy for other technical professionals to understand. Explaining complicated topics is a skill I’ve developed and refined for years. Yet, explaining reactive attachment disorder (RAD) to people who know nothing about it, as a ten-year RAD parent, is still overwhelming to me. I often find myself speechless in conversations about my child.
When I try to explain reactive attachment disorder, I can’t seem to find the right words that others will understand, and I can see the confusion on their faces. How do you explain an invisible disorder that only rears its ugly head behind the family’s closed doors? They see a friendly, engaging, charming child. How do you convince someone of something they can’t see? The truth is you can’t. Most people who don’t live with the disorder can’t understand how the angel they interact with could display such challenging behaviors with their family, and oftentimes only with their primary caregiver. Reactive attachment disorder, otherwise known as developmental trauma disorder, is extraordinarily difficult to comprehend.
For my own personal knowledge, I went searching for explanations. One explanation I’ve encountered and resonated with is by Daniel Kipp, a psychologist. He states reactive attachment disorder is an issue with the most fundamental core of the self: trust. It isn’t that people with reactive attachment disorder live in a perpetual state of distrust, but they live in a world without the concept of trust at all. This is very hard for people to wrap their minds around since trust is the foundation on which everything in life rests.
Most people who don’t live with the disorder can’t understand how the angel they interact with could display such challenging behaviors behind closed doors, and RAD is extraordinarily difficult to comprehend.
We trust that we will have enough to eat and clothes to wear, for example, or that we’ll get proper sleep at night (without being attacked or molested). Those who experienced early trauma do not have this basic concept of trust and thus can never prepare for anything beyond it. Reactive attachment disorder is misunderstood because the concepts under which people with the disorder operate are completely foreign to EVERYONE, regardless of race, culture, or background. Reactive attachment disorder is incredibly difficult to understand because it’s almost inconceivable.
This isn’t an explanation that’s easy to share with others, but I find it helpful to wrap my own mind around reactive attachment disorder, which still baffles me from time to time.
For Those of us who are Left Struggling to Explain Reactive Attachment Disorder, Here are Some Tips:
Do your best to explain through lived experience.
The most difficult, yet powerful, way of explaining reactive attachment disorder is in making it relatable for others. “We try to relate to other people through our lived experiences, and people can’t relate to reactive attachment disorder if they haven’t experienced it,” explains RAD Advocates Founder and Executive Director Amy VanTine. But you can still try.
One question I like to ask people who are asking me about reactive attachment disorder is, “Could you stay married to your spouse if they didn’t trust you and never believed anything you said?” Trust is the foundation of relationships, but a child with reactive attachment disorder cannot trust you, EVER. That means there’s no foundation for a relationship to exist.
I also use the analogy of living with a new roommate you found on Craig’s List. A reactive attachment disorder “relationship” feels similar. Your “roomie” lives under your roof, eats (maybe steals) your food, and hangs out in your living room, but there is no trust or connection with that child. I may also explain how the relationship is strictly transactional — the child will want goods and services from you continuously, but you’ll never experience the joy of genuine connection with that child.
Consider who’s asking before sharing.
Assess who’s asking and what they need to know. “You need to protect yourself as a parent, first and foremost, since you’re already vulnerable while parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder,” says Amy VanTine. “When you do explain the disorder to someone, be confident in what you’re saying. The more confident you are, the better it may be received.”
RAD Advocates recommends explaining the disorder on a need-to-know basis. Don’t feel obligated to seek validation from anyone because you likely won’t receive it. Sharing too much is more harmful than sharing too little. If someone is genuinely interested in the issues you’re dealing with, they will ask specific questions about them. If a person only makes small talk, don’t go into detail.
How to Assess Who’s Asking:
Teachers – A great way to explain reactive attachment disorder to a teacher is to provide a letter or email explaining how the disorder will present itself in the classroom. Make sure to provide your expectations of how you need the teacher(s) to interact with the child. For example, it’s okay to tell the teacher to withhold affection and phrases like “I love you,” as those need to be reserved for primary caregivers. Here is a resource for educators from RAD Advocates that might help.
First responders, child welfare and law enforcement – Use words like complex trauma, early abuse and neglect. Tell the first responders the child is stuck in perpetual fight/flight/freeze and is triggered by parental nurturing. A quick explanation like this one provided by RAD Advocates might help during a time-sensitive crisis.
Friends, family, neighbors – Don’t try to convince them – you can’t. A person must learn to “see” reactive attachment disorder on their own. If there is a problematic relationship with friends, family or neighbors, don’t facilitate it.
3. Craft an Elevator Pitch.
At RAD Advocates, we recommend having an elevator pitch to explain the disorder. It’s useful for most people who care enough to ask but don’t want to know much detail. According to Amy VanTine, founder and CEO, an elevator pitch about reactive attachment disorder could be something like this: “The child experienced significant trauma in their early years, and this affected their brain development. This impacts their ability to bond with people appropriately and affects their conscience. They also cannot trust people. The child craves attention but cannot receive love, affection, or intimacy. The relationship is based on goods and services, not connection.”
Don’t feel obligated to seek validation from anyone because you likely won’t receive it. Sharing too much is more harmful than sharing too little.
In my experience, explaining a few extreme behaviors is most eye-opening for people unfamiliar with the disorder. My elevator pitch goes something like this: “My child lacks conscience and views connection with primary caregivers, their dad and me, as a threat. They see authority as the enemy. As a result, they go to extreme lengths to be in control and push us away, like peeing in their closet, false allegations of abuse, creating chaos, destroying our house and gifts we give them, and sabotaging our family events.”
I’ve also used this pitch from time to time: “Neurotypical children have an innate desire to connect with and please their primary caregivers. Children with reactive attachment disorder don’t have this desire – they often want to push their caregivers away and go to great lengths to do so.”
Develop a pitch that feels right for you. Reactive attachment disorder is extraordinarily complex; it affects the entire family dynamic. It often leads to isolation and loneliness for the primary caregivers due to outsiders’ difficulty understanding our experiences. “Some people will understand, and some people won’t. The only thing we can control is how we respond," says VanTine. "Know your boundaries and share only what feels right to you. If the person isn’t safe, don’t share."
As a reactive attachment disorder parent, finding your safe people is important. If you don’t have safe people, RAD Advocates can help you connect with a community of other parents. You don’t have to struggle alone.