Before Lawrence and Cherri* married, they were already talking about adoption. Cherri had two children from a previous marriage, and they looked forward to raising children together. After 10 years of marriage, they decided it was now or never and embarked on their journey of foster care adoption, eventually being placed with a sibling group of four — three girls ages 4, 5 and 8, and a boy, age 6.
The children had been in foster care for three years already but were split into different homes for most of that time. The boy, who we’ll call James, and one of his sisters were on pretty heavy-duty medications, which Cherri sees, in hindsight, was likely a red flag.
Early Days
Early on, school issues emerged with James.
“The school would have to be locked down because he would run and hide,” Cherri says. “He also hit teachers.”
The family started therapy, including in-home attachment therapy. While the other three children melted into her arms during some attachment work, James would be stiff as a board.
Starting around age 7, James started to run off from home as well.
Around this time, the family relocated, and Cherri decided to join a homeschool group.
“Homeschooling gave me time to spend with them,” she says. “I felt like we were making up for time to really get to know each other. There were issues but, looking back, those are some of our better years.”
They moved again when James was in middle school and transitioned back to public school.
“He started having some issues with behaviors at school,” Cherri says. “And then that’s when it really started to get bad.”
The Years of a Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder
Many parents of children with developmental trauma disorder, diagnosed as reactive attachment disorder, find things escalate around puberty. That was true for James as well. When he hit his teenage years, he became more defiant and often raged, even about simple things like being asked to clean his room.
“He didn’t want to be accountable for doing the basic things like hygiene,” Cherri says. “He would destroy his room.”
Then things got physical. He attacked Cherri once during an argument and another time, Lawrence.
A friend of the family down the street was raising her grandson, and James would often run there when upset. As is often the case with reactive attachment disorder, James triangulated between the adults.
“She ultimately called the police because James was saying that Lawrence had beat him up, which wasn't true,” Cherri says.
While the resulting investigation from the false accusations was extremely stressful on the family, it ultimately resulted in an informal probation for James, which halted much of his physical aggression toward Cherri and Lawrence.
“But then it turned more inward to self-harm and running away,” Cherri says. “Then the cycle started with going into mental health facilities.”
Is it Reactive Attachment Disorder?
While James was never formally diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, facilities and therapists often used the term in relation to his issues. He was diagnosed with ADHD, major depressive disorder, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, conduct disorder and oppositional defiance disorder, as are many of our children with developmental trauma disorder.
A fellow parent recommended the nonprofit organization RAD Advocates. Cherri and Lawrence became members and started receiving help from Amy VanTine, CEO, founder and advocate. Through her coaching, they began to better understand the disorder and its impact on families.
By this time, James was cycling in and out of group homes and treatment facilities, running away and always thinking the grass was greener somewhere else. In between, he sometimes wound up on the streets, doing hard drugs. Once he stated, “I don’t want to be on the streets anymore but I don’t want to go home.”
Cherri and Lawrence could now clearly see that what they’d been sold — “adopted children just need love and permanence” — was far from the truth for their son. James had severe mental health problems.
They wanted him to receive proper, long-term treatment, but wait lists were long, and they couldn’t afford most facilities. They wanted additional help from the state and started to pursue joint managing conservatorship so that James could receive a higher level of care.
Eventually, they had to force the state’s hand. They obtained a lawyer and refused to pick him up from his current facility.
“We just kept holding firm on the fact that we were not equipped to care for him in our home,” Cherri recalls. “We wound up going to court.”
Luckily, the state eventually agreed to joint conservatorship, in part due to interviews with James’ sisters, who shared their fear around his behaviors.
Cherri and Lawrence could now clearly see that what they’d been sold — “adopted children just need love and permanence” — was far from the truth for their son. James had severe mental health problems.
“It’s just such a weird thing because you're advocating for this child who you really did want to stay in your home and be successful, but you know that you’ve got to think about all of your children,” Cherri says. “I think the biggest impact is to be able to get a child in treatment, separated away from the family to be able to work through things. I hold on to hope for him being able to heal, but in the end, I know it's a decision that he has to make.”
Throughout these troubling times, RAD Advocates was at their side, supporting them and helping explain the disorder to court and child protective services personnel.
Their Version of Success
One positive that did come out of the court case was seeing that their daughters had in some ways been “glass children” — children whose own needs are not fully seen due to the behaviors of the most troubled child.
“One of my daughters said, ‘I never realized that its domestic abuse what James did,’” Cherri shares. “That was really when it hit me that I’d been teaching my daughters that it's okay for somebody to do this.”
Cherri also struggled with feeling like their situation wasn’t as bad as what some families go through.
“Amy told me that I can’t think that way because then I’m not going to be able to heal,” Cherri says. “I still think that I’m kind of unpacking that.”
James has been out of the home now for two years, but Cherri and Lawrence talk to him regularly. He recently turned 18 but chose to stay in care. He’s trying to finish his high school credits but still struggles.
“I’m thankful that we have a relationship, but I can definitely see where it’s a ‘goods and services’ kind of thing,” Cherri says, referring to when a child manipulates a relationship to get the things he or she wants.
Their oldest adopted daughter recently joined the military, while the younger two are still in high school. Cherri and Lawrence have tried to teach them how to have a relationship with James but maintain healthy boundaries.
“Overall, I think that they're doing well,” Cherri says. “I never thought this is where we would end up, but at the same time there is a lot to be thankful for.”
One thing they are thankful for is the help of RAD Advocates in their darkest hours.
“Amy brought some sanity to the situation,” Cherri says. “It was a sanity check for me a lot of times to have a conversation with Amy because you start questioning every single thing that you’ve done as a parent, thinking where did it go wrong? It’s just so hard when you're in it to really see the big picture.”
Going forward, Lawrence and Cherri hope to get more involved in RAD Advocates, as donors and advocates so that they can help other families going through similar situations. Cherri loves to host family and friends and she often thinks of having a place for caretakers to come stay and have a break, to begin to decompress while also accessing resources to help them through their journey.
Her oldest daughter and her husband have a wellness business, so she visualizes having access to these types of things along with resources from RAD Advocates to help families on their path to healing.
*names changed to protect privacy
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