Why Quick Adoption Can Be a Problem: The Honeymoon Phase in Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Anonymous
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 13 minutes ago
Honeymoon (n): A period of unusual harmony, especially following the establishment of a new relationship (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). If you are considering bringing a child who has experienced early trauma into your home — whether through adoption, fostering, or kinship care — it is crucial to understand the honeymoon phase. This period of seemingly perfect behavior can last for months, making it difficult to recognize underlying attachment issues until the child feels secure enough to start pushing boundaries.
When my husband and I welcomed our three foster sons into our home, we expected chaos. After all, two toddlers and an infant bring a whirlwind of activity, sleepless nights, and crying — even without their early life history of trauma. Since we didn’t have other children in our home, we had no baseline for what was normal.
The honeymoon period of seemingly perfect behavior can last for months, making it difficult to recognize underlying attachment issues until the child feels secure enough to start pushing boundaries.
After a year, we realized that the chaos we were in had become different from typical toddler behavior. That realization came when our son Joe* — who would later be diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder (RAD) — began using his bodily functions in disturbing ways, including defecating in our air vents.
How the Honeymoon Phase Can Play Out in Public
By the time Joe was old enough to attend school, he displayed honeymoon behaviors at the start of every new school year. He kept his behaviors relatively under control until after the holiday break. Every January, I braced myself for the phone calls from school.
In third grade, Joe was placed in a self-contained emotional disabilities classroom at a new school. A few months in, his teacher called his former school, confused as to why he had been placed in her class — she claimed he was the best-behaved student she had ever had. The principal told her to just wait. By January, Joe was getting into fights, running away, and threatening students and staff.
In fourth grade, when he returned to the same teacher and classmates, there was no honeymoon. He had already learned how to manipulate that environment. He was suspended within the first month.
Not all children with developmental trauma display honeymoon behaviors in public, but many do. It varies depending on the child and the severity of their disorder. Some children will be on their best behavior outside the home, reserving their most challenging behaviors for their primary caregivers. Others struggle to maintain the act even in new settings.
Why Parents Must Recognize What’s “Normal”
When asked what potential parents need to know about the honeymoon period, Forrest Lien, LCSW, internationally recognized expert in reactive attachment disorder and NavRAD keynote speaker said, “Know what normal is.” He explains, “Many parents bring children with RAD into their homes and compare their experience to raising their biological children. They end up confused because nothing they expected or experienced before works with these kiddos.”
Parents need to recognize what normal development looks like so they can identify when things are off track. Unfortunately, many behaviors common among children with reactive attachment disorder have been normalized by the very systems meant to help them. I still remember our foster care trainer saying, “If your kids aren’t on medication when they come to you, don’t worry. They will be soon enough.” Medication use may be common among foster and adopted children, but it is not normal.
Understanding Normal Development vs. Reactive Attachment Disorder
Lien emphasizes Erikson’s stages of social and emotional development when explaining the roots of reactive attachment disorder, also referred to as developmental trauma disorder. Erikson’s eight stages build upon one another, with each stage presenting opportunities for positive or maladaptive growth (National Institutes of Health, 2023).
The first two stages are especially relevant to the development of reactive attachment disorder:
Stage One: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy)
An infant develops a sense of trust when caregivers are reliable and attuned.
Children who later develop RAD often experienced neglect or unpredictable caregiving in their first year of life, leading to deep-seated mistrust.
Stage Two: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddlerhood)
A child learns to explore the world and gains a sense of control when caregivers respond with reliability and empathy.
Children who are not met with reliable care instead develop shame, doubt, and a need to control their environment. This manifests as emotional dysregulation, lack of empathy, manipulation, and chaos-seeking behaviors.
Lien stresses that when assessing a child for reactive attachment disorder, early life history and trauma must always be considered.
What This Means for the Honeymoon Phase
A child who does not trust and believes they must be in control to stay safe will honeymoon for as long as it takes to figure out how to maintain control in their new environment.
According to Lien, children with reactive attachment disorder who do not have comorbid mental health diagnoses will honeymoon the longest. “Kids on the milder end of the RAD spectrum, especially if they have a high IQ, will honeymoon longer,” he explains.
A child who does not trust and believes they must be in control to stay safe will honeymoon for as long as it takes to figure out how to maintain control in their new environment.
Children with more extensive trauma histories, mood disorders, or lower cognitive abilities struggle to honeymoon, “Kids who’ve experienced more severe trauma, who are on the higher end of the RAD spectrum, and have lower cognitive abilities have a harder time figuring out how to control the environment. Those kids will typically push back from the beginning,” Lien adds.
Understanding Adoption and Reactive Attachment Disorder: Setting Families Up for Success
RAD Advocates COO and Founder Amy VanTine, emphasizes the importance of due diligence before finalizing an adoption. “Hope is not a plan. Parents must gather all possible information and advocate for appropriate assessments before making a lifelong commitment,” she advises. Here are key steps:
Learn from a range of adoption experiences. Seek both positive and difficult stories to set realistic expectations.
Obtain all documentation before committing. Insist on accessing complete records to ensure informed decision-making.
Advocate for reactive attachment disorder testing. Early diagnosis can provide clarity and support options.
Document needs and secure appropriate support. Documented needs before finalization allow parents to negotiate support, such as higher stipends or funding for specialized care, if necessary.
Consider hiring an advocate early on. RAD Advocates can help parents decipher what they might need and how to navigate getting those needs met. “Unfortunately, parents can’t always rely on adoption agencies or other entities to give them accurate information or prepare them for what’s ahead. Their main priority is getting kids in homes and moving on,” says VanTine. “Sadly, that sometimes means omitting important information or sugarcoating what may or may not unfold after the child is already a part of the family.” Many RAD Advocates members report that they didn’t know what they didn’t know and wish they had the support of an advocate before it was too late and their family also became traumatized by the child’s traumatic background.
Slowing Down for Success: Why Informed Adoptions Matter
The desire to adopt, combined with a lack of information about reactive attachment disorder and the tendency of agencies to rush the process, can lead to adoptions happening too quickly. It is essential to remove rose-colored glasses and take the time to gather all available information, secure necessary resources, and prepare for the realities of parenting a child with early trauma.
The desire to adopt, combined with a lack of information about reactive attachment disorder and the tendency of agencies to rush the process, can lead to adoptions happening too quickly.
A slower, more informed approach helps ensure the best possible outcome for both the child and the family. RAD Advocates fully supports adoption when it is done with the right preparation and resources in place. The goal is to help families make informed decisions so they can provide a safe, healthy, and stable environment for everyone in the home — not just on day one of adoption, but for the long haul.
✔️ Article content verified by RAD Advocates Approved Professional Forrest Lien, LCSW