Cindy and Jim had always planned to adopt. After their third biological child, they had trouble conceiving and decided the time was right. They began the process to adopt a sibling trio ages 4, 5 and 6, who had been in a Russian orphanage for two years.
“We had the same thought that most adoptive parents have,” Jim says. “You want to do something good for the world, to go out and adopt kids and love them. You’re taught that love cures all.”
They knew the children likely had fetal alcohol exposure. They’d also been exposed to tuberculosis and had impediments and delays, including with their speech. The oldest of the three, whom we will call Annie, seemed aloof and wasn’t keen on interacting with others.
But Cindy and Jim were hopeful that with the right help and resources, the three would thrive. Soon after the adoption, Cindy had a surprise pregnancy, and they were thrilled that the entire family could welcome the new little one together.
Mounting Issues
As the years went on, Annie’s behaviors didn’t improve. In fact, they got more pronounced. She was sneaky, defiant and had trouble making friends. She was also obsessed with material possessions and always afraid she wasn’t getting her share. Around age 9, she began to steal, involving her brother Andrew, a year younger.
“She'd have a lunch with the snack in it, but she'd go into the cabinet at the home school and steal some of the candy that they were selling for fundraising,” Cindy recalls. “She would go on bike rides around the neighborhood and go into people's refrigerators in their open garages to steal any food she could find. Once she enticed her brother, Andrew, and they stole a birthday cake out of the party room of a community center. They took it outside and ate as much as they could, then returned the next day to finish it.”
We had the same thought that most adoptive parents have. You want to do something good for the world, to go out and adopt kids and love them. You’re taught that love cures all.
From there the stealing and other behaviors escalated. Jim even feared for the baby, worried Annie would hurt the baby in retaliation for not getting her way. They were never left alone.
Cindy and Jim homeschooled the children up until high school. When Annie and Andrew entered high school, the combination of more freedom, cell phones and puberty amped up all the bad behaviors.
Andrew wanted his independence even as he made poor decisions, such as using drugs.
“They just couldn't handle it,” Jim says. “It's just too much stimulation.”
Breaking the Silence: Discovering Reactive Attachment Disorder
Like most of us, Jim and Cindy received some training around reactive attachment disorder prior to adopting. But like most of us, they saw it through the standard lens of rare with a narrow definition.
While adoptive parents may see a child quickly “attaching” to them as a positive, jumping headfirst into the arms of strangers is not normal childhood behavior. Their youngest adopted child, Amy, took the longest to warm up to them and ended up having the least attachment issues.
As things were reaching a breaking point with Annie and Andrew, Jim and Cindy started researching online. Listening to the RAD Talk with Tracey podcast and reading blogs on RAD Advocates, they realized Annie and Andrew met much of the criteria. They got them tested, and the tests confirmed reactive attachment disorder, now commonly referred to under the umbrella of developmental trauma disorder. Around that time, Andrew ran away and began couch surfing at friends’ places. With the help of RAD Advocates, they found him an appropriate therapeutic boarding school.
“Annie’s response was different,” Cindy says. “She ran away and then reported us to the police officers, falsely claiming that she wasn't getting fed and she didn't have any clothes and that she was abused. She used the word ‘tortured.’ She got better at these false accusations over time from experience getting us into trouble with schools or with the police. She started to realize what she said would be believed, and she that was getting better at her lies. She was getting even with us. She was excited to turn us in, and I could see it.”
The reports were investigated and found to be false, but Annie’s behaviors continued to rage out of control. Again, RAD Advocates helped them find an appropriate therapeutic boarding school.
“The false reports scared us to death,” Cindy says. “It can rip the family apart even if that one child makes something up.”
Jim adds, “She didn't want to live with us anymore. We realized we can't parent her at that point. We honored her request to live somewhere else.” He continues, “With Annie, the closer we got to her, the worse her behaviors because she pushes back so hard — she doesn't want to have a connection because she was hurt when she was a child. We read a lot of the RAD Advocates literature, and it all made sense. We just wished we’d been found the organization sooner. Nobody else seems to understand it.”
Their Version of Success Living with Reactive Attachment Disorder
One of the things all parents of children with developmental trauma disorder must come to terms with is letting go of expectations and outcomes. “Success” may not be what you’d typically think of — with college, a successful career and a happy family. Instead, it may be keeping everyone safe. It may be giving children space because closeness is too frightening for them.
“In looking at therapeutic boarding schools, we did a lot of research to figure out which one would be good for all of us in restoring the relationship, because that was the ultimate goal,” Jim explains. “We also wanted to give her a chance to have some additional therapy and give us a chance to recalibrate.”
During that time, Cindy connected with other moms via RAD Advocates and found a support group for her grieving.
The closer we got to her, the worse her behaviors because she pushes back so hard — she doesn't want to have a connection because she was hurt when she was a child. We read a lot of the RAD Advocates literature, and it all made sense. We just wished we’d been found the organization sooner. Nobody else seems to understand it.
“I was grieving the loss of what I thought I could have in a daughter, and it was like processing a death,” she says. “It’s a long process. But I knew that she was safe and taken care of and that I would have to just learn that there's a different type of relationship for us as mother and daughter.”
That relationship continues to be strained, unfortunately, but Jim and Cindy count their blessings.
“It’s been three years since she's left our house,” Cindy says. “We're still married. We still like each other. Our other children aren't resentful. They understand. Everybody's still alive. Nobody got harmed. The house didn't burn down. We protected what we needed to except our bank account. But we will be glad for it later.”
Annie is now 19, Andrew 18 and Amy 17.
“Our current relationship with Andrew is doing well now that he is 18,” Cindy says. “He works full time and has a lot of autonomy in his decision making and prefers to chart his own course in life.”
To other families considering out-of-home placements, Cindy believes it’s worth it to seek a second job or do whatever it takes. “Sign up for scholarships if you can because keeping them at home can just rip the family apart,” she says.
As for their youngest adopted child, Amy, she is doing well plans to attend college with earned scholarships.
The Power of Community: Why Support and Advocacy Matters
“Therapy and having counselors who understand reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder is rare, so having psychologists and psychiatrists who understand it is needed,” Cindy says.
This is one area RAD Advocates is working to improve. Because very little quality education exists for aspiring and established educators, therapists and other professionals, the organization is taking on the task. As a grassroots organization founded by parents who’ve lived with the disorder, its staff, volunteers and members understand reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma like no one else. Through their experiences, they’ve found the few professionals who truly understand the disorder. RAD Advocates is partnering with those professionals to bring their rare expertise to others through professional development in coming years.
“What helped us tremendously was RAD Advocates,” Jim says. “Because they understand the disorder.”
Cindy adds, “It was so relieving to find someone who understood.”
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